i spose it's been awhile. i sorta haven't really wanted to, nor had the time to update, which seems to be going around. perhaps we're all outgrowing xanga. for me, i feel like i just don't need it as much as i used to. i sort of used it as a way to organize my thoughts for myself, while knowing that at the same time i was allowing my friends (and the rest of the stalking world) a chance to get a glimpse of those thoughts. at this pont in my life though, i'm finding myself much more able to process things out loud, which is different and probably good. what i do like about xanga, however, is that it keeps a record of life in a sort of public yet oddly private way. it's a compilation of the daily things that impact my life while also recording how those events dramatically or not so dramatically change my life. it allows me the chance to see how i've grown, changed, and how much further i have to go. it allows me to remember things i might otherwise have forgotten (and might even want to forget, but shouldn't)

life is good right now. busy. and different than i ever expected, but good. i'm truly and honestly happy right now, and there haven't been all that many times in my life when i have felt that (although i should have felt it a lot more than i let myself) i'm amazed at how being in love has changed me, how much i've learned and how much my life has changed, even in small ways. i never wanted a relationship because i was afraid of losing myself, afraid of sacrificing freedom and independance for someone who would probably end up leaving anyway. instead what i've found is the complete freedom to be myself, to let down my walls and all the barriers i put up with most other people, and i've found that i'm still loved unconditionally. i can't even really put into words what that means to me.

it's also impacted my spiritual life, because when we are really loving each other well i think it shows us how God loves us. There's a quote in Blue Like Jazz that says that people learn is they are lovable and unlovable from others, and that's why God tells us so many times to love each other. so we need to love, and love well.

i myself have been terrible at this. but it makes me think what a huge responsibility it is to love others, because i've seen how much it can impact me. it makes me wonder how many people's views of God's love i've affected simply by loving them poorly. and it makes me sort of embarassed to think of how many people's views of God's love i've affected by loving them well, because i think that number is probably pretty small.

people in my life like Joy and Trip and Geoff, these people have seen me at my worst and loved me through it. in spite of my craziness, in spite of my selfishness, and everything else have taught me the way God really wants us to love each other. it's a beautiful thing, really, and i wonder what holds me back from embracing others the way they've embraced me. i guess cuz i really am pretty selfish and stuff. i dunno. i hope one day i can impact people, or even a person, the way that they have impacted me. i hope that i can learn to love God's way instead of my way. because life would just be...beautiful.

you MUST check out Ingrid Michaelson. She has her own website, or you can just look her up on myspace. she is nothing short of amazing.

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

soo. uh, i quit starbucks. put in my two weeks yesterday. i am sorta freaking out. in a good way, mostly, although i'm thinking some rough moments may be on their way.

i applied and got a job at whole foods. i don't exactly what i'll be doing, or even which store i'll be doing it at, but i know they are giving me a lot of money for it, and a lot of training to be really good at it. starbucks has been really really tough lately and i'm ready to get out. but it will be really hard to leave. i cried yesterday because joe used a broom as a microphone and told me he's going to sing "time of your life" every day til i'm gone. they might be loony, and they might drive me nuts, but they are my little loonies who drive me nuts and i will miss them.

also, this means that in a 6 month span, i will have moved, started a serious relationship, and started a new job.

it's a good thing i handle change so well.